Title: Dealing
Author: Grey
E-mail address: Grey853@aol.com
Rating: NC-17 for explicit sex
Pairing: J/B
Status: New, complete
Date: March 26, 1998
Archive: Yes to both
Website: http://grey.ravenshadow.net
Series: This is the second in the "Coping" Series.

Disclaimer: These guys aren't mine. If they were, they'd be living together in the open, touching like crazy, and all the UPN bigwigs would be having strokes.

Summary: Jim has a hard time dealing with his newly discovered feelings about Blair as well as his recovered memories.

Warnings: Spoilers for "Remembrance", "Love Kills", "The Killers", and "Deep Water".

Coping 2: Dealing
by Grey
Grey853@aol.com

Captain Simon Banks hated a mystery. Hell, why else would he try so damn hard to solve them? His latest puzzle sat out at his desk with a stack of neatly finished reports beside him, tapping through the data files on his computer. Jim Ellison had dotted every "i" and crossed every "t" and then some. He'd also been in a rage off and on all day. Something had to be done.

"Ellison. My office. Now."

"Sir?"

"Now."

Resigned, Jim stood slowly, stretching and rubbing the back of his neck at the same time. Dark circles shadowed serious blue eyes and a grim frown stretched his thin lips. Walking past his superior officer without meeting the worried gaze, he positioned himself just inside and then wrapped tense arms across his chest. He looked too much like a convicted felon waiting for sentencing to make the captain very happy. He felt like the judge.

Simon shut the door and returned to his chair behind the desk. After sitting down, he poured himself another splash of coffee. "Okay. I want to know what's going on."

"Going on, sir?"

"Don't sir me, Jim. Sit down and let me in on what's happening with you. Why are you still here?

"You're here, too."

"That's because I'm the captain. I make more money than you do, which also means that I get the delightful task of filling in all these quarterly reports and checking over statistics. You, on the other hand, just finished a string of major cases and are still sitting on your ass at the station instead of being off somewhere catching up on sleep or a social life or both. So, what gives?"

Still resisting and stubborn, Jim looked down and shrugged. "I wanted to finish up all the paper work. Are you complaining that I'm actually caught up?"

"Jim, you always meet deadlines. In fact, you're one of the few guys who do. That's not it. You've been here since 6 this morning and as far as I've seen haven't even taken time off for meals. Besides, I saw that little thing with Sandburg earlier. Now, talk to me damn it, and tell me what's going on."

"That thing with Sandburg, as you call it, sir, is personal. I don't want to talk about it. If you've got a problem with my work, then say so."

"Jesus. You can be a stubborn son of a bitch."

"Sir, I'm not being stubborn. I just think what happens between my partner and me should be private."

"Not when it happens here at the station in front of witnesses. So, have you and Sandburg broken up?"

Pulling back suddenly, Jim face flamed a dark red. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, hell, Jim, you've been a mad dog all day. You practically had Blair pinned against the wall and, I swear for a minute, just a minute mind you, I thought you were going to actually hit him. You were in his face looking about as pissed off as I've ever seen you. I have to give the kid credit. He held his ground."

"Sir, it's private. It's got nothing to do with here."

"Come on, Jim. You two argued about something pretty important. People usually look like that when they're breaking up or having a break down. Which is it in this case?

Moving away from his friend, he stepped to the window. Staring out, arms still crossed tightly around his chest, he spoke softly. "We didn't break up as partners, if that's what you're asking. I'm just having a hard time right now and Blair keeps pushing. You know how he gets. He just won't let up."

"Let up about what?"

"About everything."

"Now, Jim, you're going to have to be more specific. You didn't just almost whip the kid because you got a little annoyed about everything. What is it?"

"He wants me to go see my father."

"So? I thought you and your old man were okay now."

"Well, we are okay as far as it goes. I just don't go out of my way to spend time with him."

"And Blair thinks you should?"

"Yeah. He thinks I still have 'unresolved issues'. His words, of course."

Chuckling lightly to himself imagining Blair's voice saying just those words, Simon soon turned serious. "Why do you suppose he thinks that? I mean, he's been pretty good at figuring out what to do to help you. So, why do you think he's wrong now?"

"I didn't say I thought he was wrong."

Oh. "Well, if you think he has a point, why were you so pissed?"

"Because I don't want to deal with my old man. I don't want to deal with any fucking unresolved issues. And most of all I don't want to deal with Sandburg right now."

"Oh, I get it. You're frustrated and pissed off at your life and so you take it out on the one man who's really been there for you, your partner? Now, that's really smart, Jim. No wonder you're here working your ass off to avoid going home."

"I'm not avoiding going home. I had work to do. Besides, Blair said he'd be at the university most of the night."

"Can't imagine that."

"What's that supposed to me?" Angry, hoarse words struggled through the constricted throat.

"I just meant that you've been so surly lately, I don't even want to be around you. I sure as hell wouldn't want to live with you and my skin's pretty damn tough."

"You're taking his side?"

The captain's expression softened as Jim straightened up, his body poised for the defensive. "I'm not taking sides, Jim. I just think you were a little hard on the kid this afternoon."

Turning away again, Jim grumbled, "You don't know the whole story."

"Then tell me."

"It's personal."

"Personal? Well then, that mystery's solved."

Jim's shoulder pulled back even tighter while his jaw practically snapped. "What mystery's that?"

"The one that made me wonder if I should put you on mandatory leave for a few days."

Jim turned, stunned. "What?"

"I don't want to see you back in the office until next Monday. That'll give you three days this week and the weekend to get these personal things straightened out."

"You can't do that." Fists balled, barely contained at his side. The jaw muscles twitched and eyes narrowed to striking blue lights.

"Right now I fear your judgment is too impaired and frankly you're scaring me with all this."

"I don't get it, Simon. I've got every case solved and caught up and you're putting me on leave? That doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense."

"Jim, you've been through a lot the last few weeks. You found out you'd been repressing all this shit from your childhood, you got overdosed with heroin, and you watched a lover get shot before your eyes. Granted, she was an assassin and lord knows what else, but obviously you had feelings for her. You're stressed out. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not stressed out."

"Be serious, Jim, I know you. Now, I've seen you go through some pretty tough times before. I could mention Danny Choi and Jack and how you went pretty crazy back then. Even so, I have to tell you that how you're acting now, scares me worse than that ever did."

"How am I acting, Simon? Tell me, because you're losing me here."

"Look at yourself. You're a viper ready to strike out."

"You're over reacting."

"Am I? You've been downing aspirin like they're candy. Seeing you pushing Blair around, I have to tell you, made me very nervous. You were incredibly angry. Admit it, you were on the edge. You're trying to distance your best friend when you need him more than ever."

"I'm fine, Simon."

"No, you're not. You need the kid to help you with those senses. I can tell they're still spiking."

"They're not a problem."

"Really? Then why are you still always scrunching your face lately? And I saw you practically take a nose dive at the coffee machine this morning. Jim, you either take some downtime this way, or I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for a medical leave."

"Medical leave? You're kidding."

"No, I'm not. If I had to do that, you'd have to have a complete physical including a psych review before you could return to duty. Don't put me in that position."

No longer angry, but his face clouded with confusion, Jim shook his head. "I can't believe you'd do that."

"I would. Jim, listen to me on this. I'm your friend and I understand you've had some really big kicks in the ass lately. Even so, I'm your captain and I can't afford to take a chance. You could have a zone out or get too distracted at a scene. You could get hurt or killed. You could get others injured. I won't risk it.

"That's not going to happen, Simon."

"You can't guarantee that. Even when you're in good shape it could happen. And I'm here to tell you, you're not in good shape right now."

"I need to work, Simon. I can't afford to take any time off."

"Why's that? You want to keep yourself so busy you don't have to deal with what's wrong?" Jim remained silent looking down at his closed hands. "Take the days and let Blair help you do whatever's necessary to get yourself together."

Jim glanced up, his eyes overly bright. "I hate this, Simon. I don't like feeling this way, so out of control, so dependent on somebody."

The deep voice spoke quietly. "I know, Jim. I know. Now, go home and talk to your partner."

Blair Sandburg sat staring at the computer screen, but the text had no meaning. Images of a furious lover daring him to say another word overwhelmed his thoughts. Breathing still hadn't returned to normal. He'd been wired ever since he'd left the station. He got up and paced in front of the couch again, running an anxious hand through tangled curls.

The click in the lock alerted him to Jim's arrival and he abruptly halted. Standing absolutely still, he tried to read his sentinel's mood. The slump of the wide shoulders didn't bode well for a cheery apology, not that he really expected it. "Hey, Jim."

"Blair." The older man shrugged off his leather jacket and dropped the keys on the table by the door. Without speaking further, he walked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and grabbed a beer. Leaning against the counter, he opened the twist top. Half the liquid disappeared in a quick swig.

The two men stood motionless for a long moment before Jim finally spoke. "I was out of line at the station."

"Yeah, you were."

"If we fight, we should do it in private."

Blair shook his head and dropped down to the sofa in frustration. "Man, I don't want to fight with you. I love you. Why is that such a problem?"

"That's not the problem, Chief."

"Yeah, I know. I push too much."

Jim took another drink and finished the beer. Dropping the bottle in the trash, he pulled out another before going to sit on the arm of the sofa. Shadows of fatigue lined his face. Words formed rusty and flat on his tongue. "I know you mean well, but I need to handle this in my own way."

"And how's that? Avoiding the subject completely, refusing to see your father, suffering your nightmares alone? Somehow that's not a really healthy plan, Jim."

"Jesus, Chief, when the hell did you become a shrink? I mean, you're not exactly the poster child for perfect mental health yourself you know."

"Oh good, that's really good, Jim. Turn it back on me to put me on the defensive. Well, it's not going to work. Hell, I know I've got a few demons dancing around in my head. We all do, and we all have to deal with them the best way we can."

"And that's what I'm doing, Chief. I'm dealing the best way I can."

Blair moved closer to his lover, placing a hand on his knee and gazing up intently into steel blue pain. "I know that's what you believe. And for years, it was true. But you're not alone now, Jim. I can help, if you'll let me. I know it's scary."

The slightest tremble shook through Jim's body. He put the beer on the table and lowered his head to his hands. Rubbing back the betrayal of wet stings, he struggled to control himself. Blair stood and pressed closer, wrapping his arms around his lover. "Come on, Jim. You're exhausted. Let's go up to bed."

Before he hardly stopped talking, hungry lips crushed against his. Heated tongue pushed and swabbed deep to the back of his throat, swallowing his surprise and his deep moans. A strong hand held the back of his head, as Jim forced himself deeper and then pulled back enough to suck and nip at already swollen red flesh.

Allowed a quick breath, Blair could barely speak. "Jesus, Jim. What's going on?"

Instead of an answer, wet laps and bites covered his chin, followed by nibbles along his jaw up and around his ear. His brain blanked and words vanished. He couldn't speak and found himself suddenly falling back on the couch, closely followed by the full weight of one horny, determined sentinel. His thighs parted and Jim rubbed a knee between them. With one hand the older man unzipped while the other hand pulled jeans and boxers down in one easy swoop. The hard cock sprang up, eager and sleek with pearly silk fluid flowing like cream.

Using the precum to slick his fist, he pumped rhythmically. Quickly, shedding his own pants while still working a steady stroke, Jim repositioned himself. Gathering spit and more precum, he then eased a finger into the puckered opening. Blair arched up with a hiss, cheeks clenched, but then relaxing as the finger fuck began in earnest. "That's it, Chief. Feel it for me." Deep pathetic moans matched the thrusting hips as the young guide desperately worked between the merciless fist wrapping his cock and the knuckles raking in and out his tight ass.

Twinges and twitches, and a heartbeat double-fast, signaled Jim just before Blair jerked up. The young man's back and thighs suspended upward, all his muscles suddenly steel bands stretched too tight. Jets of white warmth covered Jim's powerful hand. Slowly, the smaller body lowered back to the sofa, as the sentinel withdrew.

Leaning forward, his own cock still erect, Jim whispered, "I love you, Chief."

Smug, smiling and sated, Blair reached up for a deep kiss. Licking along Jim's lips, he spoke in a hush. "Is this your idea of an apology?"

"Did it work?"

"Oh, yeah." Blair reached down, took Jim's heavy balls in his own hand. "Your turn."

Jim shook his head. "Not tonight, Chief. I just wanted to make it up to you. I'll be all right."

Startled, Blair shook his head, confused. "What? What the hell are you talking about?" Using both hands now, he took the cock and pumped it teasingly. "Jim, you're ready. Let me do it."

Kissing him lightly, Jim started to get up. "In the morning. Let me go get something to clean up."

Stubbornly Blair refused to release his cock. "Wait up there, Jim."

"Come on, Chief, let go."

"Not yet. Not until we're finished here."

Jim flushed and pushed away again, this time more forcefully.

Frustrated, but refusing to let himself look ridiculous, Blair let go of the now flagging organ and fell back in confusion. Snatching up his clothes, Jim went into the bathroom without speaking and returned with a warm cloth. He handed it to his partner.

Taking it almost angrily, Blair wiped himself in a hurry. He stood and threw it back at Jim and grabbed up his own pants to dress. "Man, this is fucking unbelievable."

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I don't believe you just did that?"

"Did what? Don't tell me you didn't like it, because we both know that's a lie." Jim walked over to the sink and disposed of the soiled cloth before he finally turned to find Blair right behind him.

"Jim, I'm beginning to think this whole relationship is one big lie."

The words sucker punched all his breath. His vision stream-lined to a gray tunnel. He forced the word through grinding space. "What?"

"Jim, look at me."

Sentinel sight flashed and spiked. A hand gripped him around his waist and his young friend practically dragged him back to the couch. By the time he could see again, Blair's anger transformed to concern. "Tell me what's going on, man. This is scaring me big time."

He held his head, rubbing the pounding that threatened to implode his skull. "I'm tired, Chief. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I just wanted to make up for this morning. I just sort of feel lost right now."

A warm hand joined his own at his temple and then trailed down along his taut, bearded jaw. "Jesus, Jim. I'm sorry. I should've just let it go."

A thin smile came with a weak tease. "Well, you did eventually."

"This is not joke. I'm really worried. What are you thinking? Do you think you have to get me off and deny yourself? Are you doing some kind of twisted penance because you think you need to be punished? Explain it to me, man, because I'm lost here."

Jim shook his still aching head in bewilderment, and then gazed into dark blues eyes. "Blair, I honestly don't know. I just know it didn't feel right. I mean, I was so awful to you in front of everyone today. Let's face it, I was a real ass."

"Yeah, so? It's not like it was the first time, Jim."

"Not like this. I was really out of control, really pissed."

He spoke softly. "I know. Do you know why?"

"You kept talking about going to see my father and I know you're right, but I just can't, not yet. It's just too hard right now. I'm still so fucking angry. He knew, Blair. He knew all along and I ended up pushing everything down deep inside, hiding it. He was my father and he made me feel like a damn freak. God, it was awful. I hated him and I hated me for so fucking long. I can't forgive him, not yet. I just can't." Strangled sounds met the world, muted and wet.

"God, Jim." Blair reached over, pulling the larger man's face to his chest, wrapping him in his arms. The low sounds of grief muffled and vibrated his raw heart. Slowly, Jim stretched out on the couch, his head cradled in his guide's lap while Blair stroked his hair.

"It's going to be okay, love. I swear, we're going to be okay."

Slurred words pushed against the weight of needed sleep. "Love you, Chief."

"Love you, too."

Still petting and rubbing the man nestled against him, Blair leaned back to settle for the night. Closing his eyes, his hands still needy, he let himself drift into uneasy, color-rich dreams, dreams of jungles and dangers, dreams of loss and salvation. A whiff of cat tickled his nose and beside him a furry shadow paced and growled deep in its throat. Troubled spirit eyes narrowed and fiercely watched over the sleeping sentinel and guide, precious beacons in the night.

The End