Title: Echo 4: Secrets
Author: Grey
Fandom: SG1
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Rating: NC-17
Status: New/Complete
Date: January 2000
Archive: Yes
Email: Grey853@aol.com
Series/Sequel: Echo

Website: http://grey.ravenshadow.net

Disclaimer: Not mine, but maybe one day.

Summary: Daniel and Jack try to understand their relationship as Daniel struggles with recovery.

Warnings: This deals with rape and uses explicit language.

Echo 4: Secrets
by Grey
Grey853@aol.com

Deliverance and freedom. Jack would take him home soon, but not soon enough. He wanted to leave now, not later.

Daniel zipped up his jumpsuit and sagged down on the infirmary bed, the sweat already dripping down his back. Exhaustion weighed his muscles from just the exertion of dressing. God, he needed to find some energy somewhere.

"Dr. Jackson?"

Glancing up, Daniel saw a stranger standing in the doorway of his small room. About forty with short dark hair, he looked way too military despite the white lab coat. "Yeah?"

"May I come in?"

"Who are you?"

"Dr. James Rayburn. I wanted to talk to you before your discharge."

"About?"

"May I come in first?"

"Sure." Daniel immediately crossed his arms and tucked his hands under his armpits as he took a deep breath, his fear standing up on its hind legs and hissing protest. He didn't want to do this, not with a stranger. "You're a psychiatrist, right?"

"Yes. Dr. Frasier contacted me. You've been ill, but she tells me that you're on your way home for the rest of your convalescence." He shut the door behind him and put the folders on the table. "You and your team have been through a rather bizarre and traumatic experience."

"You know about the project?"

"Yes, and the Goa'uld, too. Dr. Frasier also showed me your medical and personal records. I know you lost your wife on Abydos and about the details of the attack here at the base."

"Details? What kind of details?"

"The physical details." Rayburn met his eyes, the dark brown a lot like Jack's. "So, how are you feeling about things now that you've had some time to recover physically?"

"I was sick because of the H'arnak fever, not the attack. I'm fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah. I'm still a little weak, but nothing rest won't cure. Otherwise, there's nothing to talk about."

"You don't think being raped is worth mentioning?"

Precious words failed him for the moment, his chest too tight to take in air much less say the one word he never wanted to speak out loud.

Not now. Not ever.

"Dr. Jackson, denying what happened won't make it easier to deal with. I think you know that."

Daniel touched his forehead, the headache forming behind his eyes already pounding and spreading through to his temples. "What I know is that I don't have to talk to you or anyone else about this. It's over."

"You're wrong. It's not over and you do have to talk about it."

"I'm not a soldier. You can't order me to do that."

"You're a member of SG1. They, along with General Hammond and others, are worried about you being fit to continue. According to Dr. Frasier, you should recover physically, but we also have to focus on your psychological wellness, too."

The words brought his head up, an irrational anger firing his tongue. "Psychological wellness? Please. Don't pull that psychobabble bullshit on me, okay? I don't need this. You want to tell the general I'm not fit, go ahead and I'll prove you wrong. Give me any test you want, and I'll take it and pass. I can be part of this team without going through any tedious, self-indulgent sessions about what happened. I don't need that and I won't do it."

"I think you're wrong."

"Big surprise there."

Ignoring the sarcasm, Rayburn kept his voice even, his words calm. "You've got a right to be angry, but your anger has nothing to do with me or what I'm trying to do here."

Daniel avoided his eyes and braced himself forward on the bed as he spoke, his energy suddenly drained. "Look, I know you mean well. I know intellectually what you say is probably true. I just can't deal with this right now. I'm too tired."

"I understand that."

"Do you? Do you know what it's like to feel completely sucker punched by the whole fucking universe?" The bitter words slipped out before he could stop them.

"Tell me what it feels like?"

"Like sometimes I just want to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Stop breathing."

Rayburn stepped closer, but didn't touch him. "Do you think maybe we should try to figure out a way to change that?"

"Easier said than done."

"Of course, but it can get easier with teamwork."

Meeting his eyes, he sighed. "I'm not very good at that."

"That's not what I heard."

"Yeah?"

"Everyone here speaks highly of you. Now, how about setting up some appointment times over the next couple of weeks?"

"Do I really have to do this?"

"If it makes you feel better, your whole team will be attending some sessions as well."

"Oh, great. I can't wait to hear what Jack has to say about that."

"Actually he said it might not be a bad idea."

"Now I know I'm in trouble."

"Here. Let me take that." Jack grabbed the bag and headed up the stairs of his front porch, his keys out and ready. "Come on. Almost there."

"Go on." Breathing a lot harder than he should be, Daniel waved him on. "I'll make it."

As he opened the door, Jack put the things down and headed back to help Daniel up the few steps. "You're out of breath."

"I know." He leaned against Jack and let him guide him inside and to the sofa before slumping down.

"You okay?"

"Just give me a minute."

"Sure. Want some water?"

Shaking his head, Daniel coughed several times, the air wheezing in and out. "Inhaler."

Jack snatched up his bag and rifled through it before finding what he needed. Handing it over, Daniel took three puffs and coughed harder to clear his throat, the relief already apparent.

"You scare the shit out of me every time you do that."

Just nodding, Daniel lay back against he couch, his chest taking in the air and less painful.

Nervous, Jack sat down next to him, his hand on his shoulder. "I thought you might want some privacy, so I put your things in the guest room."

"Thanks."

"I just wasn't sure."

"It's okay." Daniel patted his hand and drew it to his chest. "I appreciate it. It's a good idea."

"Is it?"

"For now, probably."

"Meaning things might change later?"

"Things are always changing. Nothing stays static."

Jack frowned, squeezing his hand in frustration. "I'm not talking about cultural theories, Daniel. I'm talking about us."

"I know you are. Sorry."

"For what?"

"For being so crazy sometimes."

"Wouldn't be Daniel without flaky." He tugged a little and pulled him into a hug. "I know this is hard. We'll work through it."

Not resisting, but not comfortable, Daniel shook his head. "I'm not even sure what this is."

"It's whatever you want it to be."

"And what do you want, Jack? Doesn't that matter?"

"Of course, it matters. You know me better than that. It's just that I don't want to push you into something if you're not ready."

"Something?"

"A relationship."

"We're friends."

"Yeah, and more, or at least for me it's more."

Closing his eyes, Daniel drank in the small rumble of the words. "For me, too."

"Good." Stroking his hair, he kissed his head and then took a deep breath. "I'm not a dreamer by nature."

"No kidding."

"Yeah, no kidding. This isn't going to be easy for either of us."

Daniel sat up and met his eyes, his body flushed from the contact. "In some ways, maybe, but in others, it's the easiest thing I've ever done."

"In what ways?"

"You're my best friend, and it feels right to take it further. You care."

"I love you, Daniel."

"I know. I love you, too, but I feel guilty." He looked away, afraid to see the disappointment.

"Why? Because of the guy-guy thing?"

"No, because I still love Sha're, too."

Jack touched his chin lightly, lifting and turning his face toward his. "I already know that. There's no reason to feel guilty."

"But, if we find her..."

"I know, you'll go back to her. I understand that."

"And it doesn't bother you?"

"Of course, it bothers me, but I'm not going to let that stop me from being able to enjoy being with you now. If I've learned anything from this whole mess of nearly losing you, it's that we don't have time to waste on what ifs that might never happen."

Without warning, Daniel leaned forward, Jack's lips meeting his, hot and moist. A hand cupped the back of his head as the other man responded, the soft moan unexpected. His cock woke up and grew heavy, the sensation overwhelming and scary. Pulling back, Daniel swallowed down his fear and shook his head. "This feels strange."

"I know. I've never kissed another man before, either."

"No, I've kissed a man before. I'm just not ready."

"You kissed a man? When?"

"Long story. Not now." At arm's length, Daniel closed his eyes and shook his head. "I need to lie down."

"What's wrong?"

"Dizzy."

"Me, too. Some kiss, huh?"

Smiling weakly, Daniel nodded, "You could say that."

Daniel kissed another man. Damn.

Jack shaved the carrots extra thin and dropped them in the boiling water, the vegetable soup nearly finished. He'd been prepared to compete with Sha're, but not with the memory of some other person. He needed information. Glancing over at his quiet companion, he worried even more about his friend. Daniel's finger played over his lip as he stared absently at the screen.

"Hey? You hungry?"

"Um?"

"Soup will be done in about five minutes. You want tea or coffee?"

"Tea's fine." Daniel never looked up, but did type a few keys before clicking the screen closed.

"Hot or iced?"

"Doesn't matter."

"You're easy."

Flushing, but ignoring the sexual innuendo, Daniel shrugged and stood up slowly. "To be honest, I'm not that hungry."

"Not an option."

"Everything's an option."

"Is it?"

"I don't want to fight."

"Who's fighting? I'm just telling you to get ready for dinner."

Lifting a surrendering hand, Daniel nodded. "I know."

"Then stop being a grump and sit down already."

Following orders, Daniel settled at the table and played absently with the silverware. "Seems like we just ate."

"At lunch six hours ago."

"I usually only eat when I'm hungry."

"Which is fine when you haven't been sick as a dog with some alien bacteria, but you've lost fifteen pounds over the last couple of weeks. You can either follow the diet Frasier suggested or there's always Ensure. Personally, I think the stuff tastes like drinking chalky mud, but I've tasted worse during survival training." Jack stopped and stepped closer, his voice suddenly very serious. "And that's what it's about, Daniel. Survival."

"I'm fine."

"Look in the mirror and say that."

The argument choked as he tapped the side of the cup. "I guess hot tea would be better."

"Sure. Coming up." As he poured the hot water into the teapot, Jack kept a close watch on his friend. "So, what were you working on?"

"Nothing really."

"Nothing for two hours must've been something."

"I was just reading some of the academic journals for last year. A lot happened while I was gone."

"Anything in particular?"

"No. I couldn't really concentrate. I'd open an article and couldn't finish it."

"Happens to me all the time."

Daniel smiled and leaned back, his arms crossed. "It's dry stuff, I know, but usually I thrive on it. It's just right now I can't seem to focus on anything."

Filling his friend's mug with hot green tea, Jack put the pot on the table and then returned to the stove to stir the soup. "Don't worry about it. You should probably be sleeping anyway. This way you can just sleep with your eyes open."

Daniel hesitated before he answered. "I can't sleep, either."

"I know."

"I got used to having you sleeping beside me. I wanted you to join me like you did before."

Meeting his eyes, Jack shook his head, his stomach twisting with regret. "Why didn't you just say something?"

"I wasn't sure."

"Which is why I didn't come to your room. You want me tonight, just tell me."

"I want you."

"Then I'll be there." Serving up the soup took only a minute and he sat down at the table. "I'd like to ask you something."

"What?"

"You said you'd kissed another man before. Who was it?"

Daniel put his spoon down and frowned. "Why?"

"Because I'm nosy, that's why."

"Oh, well, in that case, it happened on a dig in Egypt. I was sixteen and Omar was twenty four. It was just one of those summer things. I had a crush on him, but got over it fast when he ran away with the expedition leader, Dr. Thornehill."

"And that was the only time you kissed another guy?"

"Yeah, well, except for you." Daniel grinned weakly and picked up his spoon again. He pushed around his potatoes and carrots as he spoke quietly. "You said you'd never kissed a man before. Haven't you ever been attracted to another man?"

"I didn't say that. I just said I never kissed one."

"Who was it?"

"Kawalsky."

Daniel sat back, his face a little more pale. "Our Kawalsky?"

"Yeah. He was an attractive man, a good soldier, and a friend."

"Yeah, he was."

"But he was straight."

"So were you."

"I thought so."

"Yeah." Daniel shook his head and touched his forehead. "I liked him."

"I know. Me, too. But, I love you."

Biting his lower lip, Daniel pushed back his glasses. "It's hard to take in."

"Why?"

"It just is. It's like I've thought of you one way for so long, and now I'm having to adjust that thinking."

"Why do you look sick when you say that?"

"It's not that." Daniel reached over and touched his hand, his skin warm and rough wrapping around his. "I love you, too, but this whole thing scares me. If people find out, we could be out of the program."

"They won't find out."

"I think Teal'c already suspects."

"Teal'c won't tell anybody."

"And Sam and the general?" Daniel squeezed his hand and then pulled back. "They're going to figure it out, Jack. What do we do then?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it."

"I have."

"Personally I prefer action."

"I know that, but it's that action that scare me."

Jack's gut tightened at the tone, the solemn grimness of it like a fist to his belly. "Too scared to try it?"

"No. Too scared not to."

She called him Beloved, the soft coos fiery blushes echoing against his skin. Each pump of her body pushed the Goa'uld deeper inside him and then drew it back out again. Every lunge stunned him, held him captive, stealing his pride with every brutal stroke forcing him to surrender.

Air deserted his paralyzed lungs, his voice held captive, a weak victim begging for mercy. Icy streams filled him and melted, the spasm of coming exploding into star bursts. Jerking upward, the screams jarred the waking world as Jack grabbed and held him no matter how hard he struggled. Even his fists couldn't free or defend him.

"Jesus, Daniel. Wake up."

"I'm awake."

"Shit."

"I'm sorry."

"Son of a bitch. You hit like a soldier."

Dropping his head to Jack's chest, Daniel trembled, his mind slowly adjusting to the present. "I didn't mean to."

"It's okay. Good thing I'm not the one who wears glasses."

Daniel wrapped his arms around Jack's middle and squeezed harder, the tears falling faster than he could wipe them away. The older man's tone softened, his hands doing a gentle rub up and down his spine. "You okay?"

"Not yet."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No." His throat burned from the ache of words too heavy to manage and he burrowed deeper. He didn't want to peek out, to ever face the world again. Just let him stay in Jack's arms forever.

Time passed, but he stayed put, his grip never slacking, his determination to hold on growing. Jack finally pulled the covers up around them and spoke in a low hush. "I can hold on as long as you can. Now, rest."

Daniel whispered, terror pushing the words. "It's getting worse."

"What?"

"The nightmares."

"Been there. After Charlie died, I couldn't sleep without seeing him. Sometimes he'd come back to life, his face bloody, accusing me of putting the gun to his head."

"What did you do?"

"You know what I did."

"Um, yeah, I remember. So, what made it better, the project?"

"No, not at first. I mean it was a distraction, something to do, something that I might die doing. Didn't matter."

Pushing away, Daniel faced him, his own problems forgotten for the moment. "What?"

"You heard me. I didn't care if I got blasted off this planet or another. What difference did it make?"

"But..."

"But you came along. I didn't realize it at first, but I started to care again." Jack caressed his cheek, his eyes bright and misty even in the low light of the bedroom. "You made the difference, you and all the people of Abydos. You needed me."

"I still do."

"And I need you."

Daniel rubbed his face against the comfort of Jack's palm and then sighed as he slumped back down to rest his head over his heart. "What were you thinking while I was gone for the year?"

"What a fool I was for not saying something." He petted Daniel's hair as he continued to hold him. "Tell me about the nightmare."

Taking a deep breath, Daniel urged his words forward. "When Hathor did what she did, she didn't do it alone, Jack."

"I don't understand."

"Her Goa'uld. It didn't leave her body completely, but for part of the time, it went inside me, too. It hurt worse than she did. I keep dreaming about it."

Jack's whole body stiffened, his muscles tight. "Fuck."

"Exactly."

"Jesus, Daniel."

"I hate thinking about it, but every time I go to sleep, it happens all over."

"I don't know what to say." Jack still held him, but loosened his grip as he shuddered. "God, it makes sense now. Your injuries, the fever."

Suddenly, his friend gagged and pushed away, leaving the bed and bolting for the bathroom. As he listened to the retching, Daniel covered his face and grieved for Jack's pain and his own impotence to heal it.

Sitting at the table, his head down, his hand on the whiskey bottle, Jack snarled at his own weakness. "I can't believe I fucking did that."

Daniel watched him from the doorway, his shoulders wrapped in the blanket as the cold night seeped in. His bones screamed for rescue as he moved closer and sat down. "It's okay. It's pretty sickening when you think about it."

"Jesus." Jack took a quick drink and poured another.

"That's not going to help settle your stomach."

"Its not my stomach that needs settling. Fucking Goa'uld. I hate the snaky bastards." He downed the next drink but then shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For reacting like that. It's just, I couldn't help it." He touched Daniel's hand and leaned forward. "It's not you."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Sure." Standing, Daniel pulled the blanket around his neck more tightly and walked to the window, the moonlight streaming into the still darkened living room. "I shouldn't have told you."

"You should've told me sooner."

"Why? You knew what Hathor did. Why is what happened with the Goa'uld any different?"

"It's not."

Daniel turned and leaned back against the coolness of the heavy glass, his body protesting the change. "You didn't throw up when you heard about Hathor."

"I know. I can't explain why that happened." The confusion twisted his features into misery. "I just hate thinking about that thing inside you."

"And that thing on top of me. Every time I close my eyes, that's what I feel. Both of them doing that to me."

"Just stop."

"You wanted to hear about it."

"I know, but just give me a minute. God." He held his head with both hands and groaned. "How do you stand it?"

"I try not to think about it."

"Well, that's working about as well as me breathing under water. What else can we do?"

"We?"

"Yeah, we. We're in this together."

"You're not the one who feels it every time you go to sleep."

"No, but I'm the one who gets the bare knuckles in his face when you try to wake up."

Daniel noted the bruise on his right cheek and stepped closer. He sat down and leaned forward, the weariness stressing and stretching even his smallest muscles. "I don't know what to do."

"I don't, either. Maybe it's time we get an expert opinion."

"Not Rayburn."

"He knows about this stuff. You want an expert opinion, you go to an expert."

Dropping his face to his hands, Daniel rubbed harder, his whiskers tough and burning. The words came out muffled between his fingers. "What if he can't help?"

"Then we're no worse off than when we started." Reaching over, Jack cupped the back of his neck and dropped to his knees. "Look at me."

"I can't."

"Daniel. Please." Lifting his head, his eyes met Jack's. A palm tenderly held his face as the older man whispered. "I love you. We'll beat this thing."

"I'm the one who feels whipped."

"Not now, not ever. Now, let's go to bed."

Sighing, Daniel stood up and brought Jack up with him. Walking together, the darkness lifted slightly, the hope fleeting but tangible. For the briefest instant, Daniel actually believed they might even manage to banish the impending doom that hovered just off to the side of his vision.

A hand steadied him as he stumbled at the bedside. They lay down together and Jack held him until morning, the need to touch more important than any words spoken.

The End